Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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