You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
