He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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