I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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