One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize