You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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