I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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