Im at strip club and am horny
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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