I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
