I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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