somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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