I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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