I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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