You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
either way he was missing a nipple.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
