Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
