I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
