I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
