I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize