Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
