it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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