remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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