she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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