Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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