That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
