My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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