My sheets look like a crime scene.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
