I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
