he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
