Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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