So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
