Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
