We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
