I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
