I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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