i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
