I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
