One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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