ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
