I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
