Tell her she can't have a vagina
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
