So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
