I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
