I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
