omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
