Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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