He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize