Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
