I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
