i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
