My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My balls are so social today.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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