I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
