Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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