Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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