I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
