saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
