I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
