I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
